#5 Day Five is here! Below is the exercise for today. This one is more of an ongoing exercise, so set an intention to be mindful of it each day for the next couple of weeks.
Exercise 5: Changing your critical self-talk
This will eventually form the blueprint for changing how you relate to yourself long-term. Some people find it useful to work on their inner critic by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. Do whatever works best for you. You can speak aloud to yourself, or think silently.
The first step towards changing the way you treat yourself is to notice when you are being self-critical….. It may be that – like many of us — your self-critical voice is so common for you that you don’t even notice when it is present. Whenever you’re feeling bad about something, think about what you’ve just said to yourself. Try to be as accurate as possible, noting your inner speech verbatim. What words do you use when you’re self-critical? Are there key phrases that come up over and over again? What is the tone of your voice – harsh, cold, angry? Does the voice remind you of any one in your past who was critical of you? You want to be able to get to know the inner self-critic very well, and to become aware of when your inner judge is active. For instance, if you’ve just eaten half a box of Oreo’s, does your inner voice say something like “you’re so disgusting,” “you make me sick,” and so on? Try to get a clear sense of how you talk to yourself.
Make an active effort to soften…. the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re such a bitch” to your inner critic!). Say something like “I know you’re worried about me and feel unsafe, but you are causing me unnecessary pain. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”
Reframe the observations….made by your inner critic in a friendly, positive way. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, try to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. It might help to use a term of endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care, if it feels natural. For instance, “Darling, I know you ate that bag of cookies because you’re feeling really sad right now and you thought it would cheer you up. But you feel even worse and are not feeling good in your body. I want you to be happy, so why don’t you take a long walk so you feel better?”
While engaging in this supportive self-talk, try gently stroking your arm, or holding your hand on your heart. Physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system even if you’re having trouble calling up kindness at first, releasing oxytocin that helps change your bio-chemistry. The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually follow.